For every pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, or birth post on social media, there’s a woman on the other end of the screen feeling like she’s just been sucker-punched in the gut. She doesn’t understand why it’s so easy for everyone around her to get pregnant when it’s taken over a year for her to conceive. She feels like a failure. You probably know this woman — she might be a friend, cousin, or sister. Maybe she’s confided in you. So what do you do when someone you know is struggling with infertility? What do you say? There’s not necessarily one right answer, but we hope this article will give you an idea of what to do—and what not to do—when supporting your friend through infertility.
What not to say:
When your friend tells you they are dealing with infertility, you may feel a little flustered because you just want to say the “right” thing. But let’s be honest, there’s nothing you can really say to make her fully get over her situation. There are, however, phrases that can make her feel worse. Here are some examples of what not to say:
“It will happen.” No, it might not. Some women who struggle with infertility will never bear children of their own. This phrase is just a reminder that it has not happened yet, and it may never happen.
“You’re lucky you don’t have kids, being a mom is hard.” This phrase comes across as insensitive because it suggests that her situation is not as difficult as being a mother. In reality, not being a mother is one of the most difficult things that has happened to her.
“At least you get to spend time with just the two of you.” Her and her significant other have already decided to grow their family; they’re thinking about everything they want to do with their future kids, not all the things they get to do without them. Plus, when you’re facing infertility, the time you spend with your significant other typically consists of doctor’s appointments, stressing about finances, and a lot of heartbreak.
“I understand.” Unless you have been through infertility yourself, you should not tell her you understand her situation. This phrase can make her feel incredibly lonely if you do not truly empathize.
What to say:
Although you cannot remedy her situation, you can offer some words of comfort when she decides to share her struggle with you. Here are some helpful phrases you can use instead of the hurtful phrases listed above:
“I’m sorry you are going through this.” This phrase lets her know that you feel her pain, even though you cannot fully understand.
“Do you need anything?” She might not feel comfortable asking others for help, so sometimes you need to tell her that you are willing. Although she might not take you up on your offer, she will be happy to know she has your support if she needs it.
“I am here if you need someone to talk to.” This phrase opens the door for her to come to you with her problems and prevents her from feeling like she’s a burden. Plus, it’s a better way to let her know you want to talk rather than prying for personal information.
“I love you.” Women with infertility may have difficulty seeing their self worth. It’s important that she knows she is loved.
What not to do:
Even the best of intentions can be hurtful. Here are some things you should avoid doing when your friend is going through infertility:
Give advice on how to get pregnant. She knows how to conceive; that’s not the issue here. Giving advice will feel like you’re minimizing her situation by telling her she’s just not doing it right.
Complain about pregnancy or motherhood. This will quickly isolate her and remind her that she is neither pregnant nor a mother. It’s best to find another mom to vent to about these kinds of issues.
Hide your pregnancy. You shouldn’t feel guilty about being pregnant. She wants you to be happy, and she wants to be happy for you. Maybe just share your daily pregnancy updates with someone else.
Ask if she’s pregnant yet. She’ll share the news with you when it happens. Asking if she’s pregnant when it hasn’t happened yet will only heighten her sadness.
What to do:
If you want to actively support your friend throughout her struggle with infertility, here are a few tips to follow:
If you don’t know what to say, just listen. Sometimes, she’ll just want to vent to you. You don’t have to try to empathize or offer some great insight. Just hold her hand and let her talk.
Do your research. Become familiar with her condition, or just infertility and its treatments in general. Having an understanding of the terminology will make it easier for her to confide in you. (For example, when she says, “I failed my second IUI,” you’ll be able to say “I’m so sorry,” instead of “what’s an IUI?”)
Remember important dates. This might seem pretty insignificant, but remembering when she has an appointment shows her you are invested in her situation and well-being. A quick, “I’m thinking about you today!” text will offer a lot of comfort, especially for the big appointments.
Text or call her often. Let her know she’s on your mind, or just offer a simple distraction. Don’t lose contact because you feel like you can’t relate. This is a time in her life when she’ll need her friends most.
Tell her about your pregnancy in private. Don’t bombard her with the news of your pregnancy when all of your friends and family are around. She’ll want to be happy for you, but will need to process her feelings in private first. Although it may seem impersonal, a text or phone call would be the best way to break the news so her response can come from a clear headspace rather than a gut-reaction.
We hope this article has offered some guidance and insight into the struggle of infertility. If you are facing infertility yourself, we hope you will be able to share this with those who are close to you. Let’s continue to spread awareness and keep the conversation going. ❤
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